SZS Highly Disturbing

“Today is simply a beautiful day!” Nozomu cried joyfully as he skipped and leaped and did other joyful actions on the simply beautiful day. As he joyfully skipped and leaped and blah blah blah on his way to school, the sickeningly joyful teacher picked some flowers and helped a cat down a tree and did other sickeningly joyful things.

Halfway to the school he worked at, Mr. Itoshiki realized that he had contracted the horribly fatal disease known as OOC.

He would have despaired, only he had OOC so he instead felt passively and disgustingly neutral. He was about to say ‘this sucks’ but realized he didn’t care either way and simply shrugged and continued walking to school.

Matoi was quick to notice how strangely her one true love was acting, as she was the overly obsessive stalker. She knew that her one true lover liked pineapples, had an odd fear of porcelain, and always had a sudden urge every three hours to play the piano and spontaneously sing Broadway musical songs. She also knew that he would never skip and hug trees. And he would never be so sickeningly neutral. He always lived his life in perpetual despair.

“Gasp!” Matoi said, putting a hand to her mouth. “Oh poor sensei! He must have…OOC!” DUN DUN DUUUUUUUN!

The stalker jumped out of the tree she had been hiding in and slowly skulked after her teacher. She thought hard about what was going on. OOC (DUN DUN DUUUUUUN) was known to be highly contagious. One only had to touch Nozomu to contract the highly fatal disease. And he was walking right towards his class, where he would doubtlessly spread his disease to all the students, who would in turn spread it to anybody they knew, and so on and so forth until the whole world was infected.

Matoi looked around. There was nobody else. Not even a cheerful housewife doing some kind of gardening thing and whistling cheerfully.

Okay, then it was up to her to stop her teacher from infecting the rest of the world. Without touching him. Even if she always thought of touching him night and day.

So…a plan. Yes, she had to think of a plan. Well, she could run ahead to school and warn the other students before Nozomu arrived. But that would involve leaving her teacher and…uh…she had to supervise him in case…uh…he went ahead and skipped somewhere else. (Not because she would never ever think of leaving his side for one second and she would die, first figuratively, then literally, if she did. Honest.)

With absolutely perfect timing, Chiri walked around the block and neared Matoi, staring intently at her watch. Matoi watched the long-haired girl for a bit, then decided that her classmate was trying to arrive to school at exactly the right time.

“Chiri, great! You’re here! I need your help.” Chiri glanced up, but still seemed to have most of her attention on her watch.

“Hello. Please don’t bother me. I’m trying to arrive at school at exactly the right time to run in just when the bell rings. I have to start running at a certain time, or else I will arrive too late.”

“That’s not important right now,” said Matoi, who then received an incredulous glare from Chiri.

“Not important! Well, I – “

“No, listen! Sensei has suddenly contracted the horribly fatal disease, OOC!” (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN) This news was shocking enough to even silence Chiri. “And look! He’s heading up to the school right now, where he can infect everybody else!” The stalker pointed to Nozomu, who was either obliviously unaware of all the shouting and DUN DUN DUUUUUUNing going on behind him or he didn’t give a rat’s ass.

“Hm, that is quite a problem serious enough to be the plot of this chapter,” said Chiri, though she glanced at her watch for a second. “I believe it is now my job to go and warn the others before our infected teacher spread his horrible disease, right?” Matoi nodded quickly. “Okay.” The girl continued walking slowly besides Matoi.

“…Are you going?” The stalker asked impatiently.

“Well, yes, but I have to make it dramatic enough. I have to get ahead and arrive exactly ten seconds before him and announce the whole thing. Then he can kill me and I can topple forward in slow motion and everybody would freeze and then start screaming and running everywhere while he kills them all with hyper-beams one by one.”

Matoi started looking around hopefully for any other late students.

“By the way,” Chiri continued calmly, “You’re acting quite oddly. For yourself, anyways. Usually you’re in the background, staring. Now, it’s as if you’re actually an important character. You’re even talking to me. I don’t think you’ve ever done that in the anime…”

“Gasp,” Matoi said again, because what Chiri said was right. “Oh no, perhaps I have just gotten infected by sensei!” Quickly, she checked to see if she still loved him.

…

…

…Yes, she did. Whew. “…I think it’s a minor infection. Not lethal.”

“Oh look, there’s the school. I’ve got to time this exactly, so I’ll run ahead now.” And she was off. The events that happened afterwards are not that interesting. It involved Nozomu idly observing Chiri as she ran past and him thinking about the sun and not about suicide or despair and so on. Matoi just walked behind her snuggle-bunny as always.

Moving on – The class of our ill-fated Nozomu were just milling about inside because class hadn’t started yet. Everybody was doing something. The minor characters we don’t care about suddenly were killed off by a very selective werewolf.

After the werewolf dragged all the bloody carcasses to its lair of doom, the door burst open and was flung off its hinges very dramatically, made more dramatic by the fact that it was a sliding door and those don’t have hinges whatsoever. The class grew silent and stared at the perfect girl who was breathing heavily in a dramatic way, as if she had been running for a long time instead of from near the entrance of the school to the class.

“Crap, my timings a little off,” she muttered before breathing heavily again. Kudo got bored and went back to reading his book. “Friends!” the girl cried. “Comrades! I’ve come to warn you of the impending danger! Our teacher! He has been infected by…OOC!” (DUN DUN DUUUUUUUUUN)

Meru quickly typed ‘That’s very annoying and that gag has stopped being funny since…oh, I don’t know, the first hundred times it was used? So unoriginal. Get hit by a train, stupid Authoress.’

“Quick!” Chiri added, looking over her shoulder quickly. “He’s coming! Run! Save yourselves!”

“But that door is the only exit,” Rin pointed out, “and ever since chapter three, this classroom is on the third level and we can’t escape out the window unless you want to fall to your death.”

“Don’t worry!” Kafuka beamed, jumping up and making her chair fall onto the body of some guy the werewolf missed. “We can explode the walls! And anybody who brought an umbrella can surely jump out the window with it and slow their fall! At the most, they’d get a few broken bones!”

“It doesn’t work that way,” Rin said. “And how would we break the walls?”

“Let’s ask Mayo-chan!” Everybody immediately turned to the girl who obviously wasn’t evil. Her evil-looking eyes glared back. “You do have explosives, right?” Mayo nodded. She had planned on sending a letter-bomb to her teacher. “Great! Let’s use it!”

“It’s too late! With all your stupid and meaningless chatter, he hath come!” Chiri clutched her stomach as if she had been stabbed and fell to the floor, revealing Nozomu behind her.

“I only touched her,” he said.

There was a long silence.

“Okay, let’s break down the walls!” Kafuka cheered.

“Have fun with that,” Rin said from the window. She opened an umbrella, jumped off, and gracefully floated down, thus escaping the danger. She made her way out of the chapter and bought an expensive yacht to sail to a remote island full of three-headed monkeys. She didn’t even get any broken bones.

“No breaking of anything will go on today!” Nozomu roared. This was actually so intimidating that everybody immediately sat in their seats and straightened their backs. Meru didn’t have anything to type at all. Jun was no longer reading. Chiri even stopped her ‘dead’ act. “I can’t believe it! Stuck with this failing class! You will all have to work harder to actually graduate. Let’s study for a very important test tomorrow that you must get a passing grade on or else you will fail and will be held back. Again.”

“S-study?” The class wailed.

“This is bad,” Harumi observed. “I don’t think I’ve ever studied before. Usually all we get is a rant about something and we go home.” There were murmurs of agreement to this. “…Let’s mutiny.”

“Wait! We can’t!” Chiri said fearfully from her desk. “He has OOC! If we touch him then…”

“Well, I’m not going to sit around here and learn something.” Kaere stood up and headed towards the door. Nozomu didn't say anything because he suddenly felt like kissing someone. Very badly. Luckily, there was a handy supply of girls. The teacher grabbed Kaere’s arm just as she was about to go through the door. The foreigner was very surprised at how strong her teacher was, even though his arms were so thin, that she forgot all about lawsuits of sexual harassment. As she turned around, Nozomu pulled her closer, and they kissed for a long time.

Matoi was devastated.

When they finally parted, they looked into each other’s eyes in a very meaningful way. “I love you,” said Nozomu. “I know that you only ever threatened to sue me, even when I saved your life once, but as soon as I didn’t drop you off the roof of the school, I knew I loved you.”

“B-but…” Kaere looked away to the side, blushing. She actually might have been Kaede. “Is it okay for a teacher to marry a student?”

“Most people find that just plain wrong,” Kafuka piped up cheerfully, “But I think everybody should be free to do whatever they want. Like polygamy.”

“I’ll never leave you…” Nozomu whispered and leaned forward for another kiss.

“No! Stop! Sensei, please don’t do this to me!” Surprisingly, this outburst came from Kudo, who was usually such a quiet and laid-back guy.

“Wh-what?”

“Sensei! The truth is…I’ve been keeping it a secret, but the truth is…I love you!”

Nozomu dropped Kaere in surprise and she started thinking about lawsuits again. Matoi gave out another outraged cry. “When I was reading books, all that time, I was really sneaking glances towards you! I love you so much, I don’t even know why I love you! But there should be no reasons for love!”

“Oh, why haven’t I noticed before?!” Nozomu cried before striding towards Kudo. Kaere lay completely forgotten on the floor. “Of course! Now I realize it! I love you too! Because your stories are just too good!” And then they kissed. Harumi quickly drew the scene.

“B-but…” Kaere sat up slowly and watched the scene before her with sadness. She was the one in Kudo’s place, not too long ago. A few seconds ago, actually. And now she had been tossed aside. The girl started silently crying. “…I thought you loved me…”

“…Kaere…” The blonde girl looked up, blinking away tears. There was a comforting bandaged hand on her shoulder now. “…Please don’t cry. It makes me sad.” Abiru sat down besides her and hugged her tightly. “Don’t worry about sensei. You can always sue him later.”

“B-but…I don’t want to sue him…” Kaere sobbed, making Abiru’s shirt all wet.

“…Kaere? I love you.” The foreigner pulled away, staring at the bandaged girl with wide blue eyes.

“Oh,” cried Kaere. “I love you too!” And she hugged Abiru again, crying loudly on her shoulder, showing compassion she had never shown before because she had been a ruthless suing machine. Her love for Nozomu was completely forgotten.

“…S-sensei…why? Why did it turn out like this? Oh, I should have known…from stalking him, I should have known he was in the closet…but I didn’t. What a foolish fool I am…” Matoi slid down the chalkboard and finally was crouched next to the wall, her arms around her knees. “What do I do now? I can’t kill myself, even if I want to. There is nobody for me to kill myself with…”

“Don’t worry! There is hope!” The blindingly cheerful voice made Matoi look up into the eyes of Kafuka. Ignoring the way they simply screamed, ‘Killkillkillkill,’ her eyes were beautiful. Matoi never noticed it before.

“What hope is there for me? I’ve loved and I’ve been loved…but I’m always tossed away in the end.”

“You just haven’t found the right person yet!” Kafuka replied, kneeling down and smiling.

“…I see. Will you help me find this…right person?” The stalker, overwhelmed with horniness, leaped onto Kafuka and they proceeded to kiss as well.

A girl nobody had ever seen before jumped into the room. “Nozomu! I love you! I know I’m just an OC somebody made, and I know I’ve just met you, but I love you deeply!”

“Gosh,” said Nozomu. “I’ve never seen you before, but you’re hot. I love you too!”

Kino decided that his rivalry with Jun was actually sort of like the kind of rivalry where the rivals end up loving each other and started hitting on his ex-rival.
Usui managed to be noticed and Chiri was immediately attracted to him.

Reinbeck leaped into the room, saw Abiru on the floor with Kaere, and made out with Meru for no reason. “Oh, Reinbeck! I love you too! I love you so much, you’ve prompted me to speak!” Mayo stabbed the tiger, threw his lifeless corpse out the window, and grabbed Meru. “You killed him! You killed my love!” The petite girl wailed.

“But only because I love you.”

“You killed him! I’ll never love anybody other than that bold tiger! But you’re actually human, so I’ll forgive you. Let’s kiss.” And so they did.

Kumeta arrived on the scene. “This is the reason why the cast is mainly girls,” he said. Then he left.

By the end of the day, the fatal effects of OOC finally set in. They all snapped out of their OOCness. Realizing the horror of what they had done during their bouts of OOCness, they killed themselves. And that is why OOC is fatal.

YOU’VE READ IT, YOU CAN’T UN-READ IT!

Thank god it’s short.

                                                     THE END!